subterranean

An update. I am still here, although there has been movement, inside and out.

As of right now, a rogue wisdom tooth gives me bone-ache in my jaw, my mouth lasts like bitter raspberries, and my nose detects a heady combination of nasi goreng from the kitchen and acrid cat pee from downstairs. Autumn and winter have come and gone. The city has been wreathed in wind the past few nights, and a friend of a friend of a friend’s recently purchased geodesic dome all but become airborne in the chaos. The murmur of rain on the roof at night has been soothing, but I’ve been sleeping badly, due in part to work stress and an inability to ‘switch off’. I dress up for work, sometimes wondering what I’m doing. Every day or two I have a little sit down in the toilet stall, closing my eyes and putting the pieces in my head back together. I usually don’t feel like I need the company of others, but I notice that when I’m alone I tend to withdraw into myself, interacting on a minimal basis with my surroundings. I am unengaged. Thought processes get slower and deeper. When I’m around others, it feels like I’m constructing a mask, running some program in my head that opens me up again. Servos creak and whir. Lunch is spent eating donburi in silence. Recent weather has made me gammy again. My left knee, which has caused me trouble off and on since I was in primary school, occasionally sends twinges and aches down my leg. I remember, when I was younger, I wouldn’t be able to sit in a car for any more than ten or twenty minutes. By that time, my muscles would be aching, my face contorted. Times like now, I feel like I am retreating from my past at such a rate that things begin to blur around the edges. Smoke obscures memory. Friends disappear and re-appear. A lot of friends, or friends of friends, seem to be on some sort of anti-depressant. As of a few weeks ago, so is the cat. I start writing haiku that I never finish. I think of stories that I should, but don’t, write down. I need a holiday but don’t want to leave my bedroom. I have a touch of that existential angst that I am frustrated by in others. Change is coming, and I need a biscuit.

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